I share my daily anthem while going through the healing process of a relationship that ended with no closure.

No Tears Today

Is what I told myself every morning to fight them back and find the strength to get out of bed after sleepless nights.  Feeling as though my world was spinning out of control from a broken relationship, I didn’t want to face anyone, let alone myself.  Looking back on it now, I guess it was because there were so many unanswered why’s and no real closure for me.  Just a lot of wondering, first about what I could’ve, should have done to please or to make things better for him and unaccounted for time…just extra time.  Time I had allotted for our future together.  Now that time was upon me and I was forced to do something with it that doesn’t include him.  I had to survive.  That meant I had to work.  So I had to get up out of bed and I did, after replaying the past once more, in my mind.

Once, at a funeral, I heard someone say ‘there’s no more worries, sorrow or pain just peace’, referring to the body and death.  Curious as to how the living knew what being dead felt like, I researched the meaning of death, and wondered if people’s feelings about it differed, as they did about love.  What I found for the meaning of death is “loss, bereavement, terminated” closely compared to a painful breakup that includes worries, sorrow and pain.

The overwhelming pain of a broken heart feels like death, especially when a relationship ends without closure.  The questions of what happened, how did it happen, why did this happen to you, beat at your mind over and over, never giving it a moment of peace.  It’s numbing to your soul.  Death creeps into your dreams and awakens memories of the love you are trying so desperately to forget.  Never did you do anything that would warrant your heart being broken, but somehow, you feel the blame.  You’re just drifting through the days and nights, unable to keep track of time.

What, if any, is the purpose of living?  Every hour of your life that doesn’t require you to function, is spent in a sleepless bed.  You’re lying awake at night, afraid of the unwanted reminders, good and bad, of the way things were.  You dare not daydream for fear that even those will become a nightmare when reality intrudes.  To the living, there’s no rest for your corpse because technically, it’s not dead yet.

Face what has happened, acknowledge it, and maybe passing through the same stages of grief as for a death, will mean you come out a stronger person.  Just having an opportunity “to ask” the why’s (why me, why now, why…) can reverse an emotional “death”.  Even if your only chance to ask your why’s is written down in a letter that’s never sent.  Because you asked, you can live.

First I blamed myself for being too pushy, wanting my lover to say that he loved me just once after the countless times of my telling him, or to pay me a compliment, to say there was one thing that he admired about me.  It would have been nice, considering that I made a point to never let him go without a daily pick-me-up.  Then there was the, ‘I was too sensitive’, ‘he was right’…etc., etc., etc.  After wallowing in sorrow for some time and wondering about what if’s, things started looking much different.

Listen, if your heart is broken you may not understand this now but you will.  Hearing the reason(s) sometimes doesn’t even matter.  When you’re going through a broken relationship by choice or not, “time” is our shepherd, our escort, day by day.  Time will never leave us.  With every new day it is there, allowing us to do whatever we want with it.

Whenever we are going through something that tests us, at first, time may not be appreciated. But later I came to embrace “time” and used it for strength. You see, over time I reflected on our relationship and came to realize my expectations of him were not overbearing or out of the norm for my definition of a committed relationship. The truth was, after some time whenever I thought things over, I never felt comfortable about his indecisiveness or him as a person.

But still, the truth remained- the relationship was over. At times, facing the world with a smile and a broken heart was painful, but necessary. My friends were totally unaware, assuming I was happy because of this great relationship that I was in that they had given their blessings to.

For some reason, strangers, (the cashier in the grocery store, waitress, clerk at the Quick Mart) people that I never met before, were never fooled. You know that saying, God is always watching you. They could spot the unshed tears in my eyes and the broken heart behind them. Their concern for me was almost like they were reading from a script. “Are you okay” they would ask, sometimes repeating it until I acknowledged them with eye contact. “I’m okay”, is what I said first, most of the time. “Are you sure, because you seem sad?” they responded. The world can see my pain is what I thought while my eyes filled with tears. “No, not really.” I answered. “My boyfriend and I broke up and I’m just sad right now.” With no hesitation they would respond “Oh no. I’m sorry”. “Thanks. I keep telling myself daily that I have the power to get through this.” I added before saying goodbye.

I can’t count the number of days, weeks and months it took of saying, “I have the power to get through this” until I heard myself and believed it. All that I needed within me was my will. Is it me? Yes, it was. My will to choose.

No more tears today! As for that relationship, I chose to disconnect my mind from my heart. It took a great deal of willpower on my part. In the beginning, my heart often ached at night and I willed myself not to equate pain with him. Whenever the thought of him crossed my mind, I willed myself not to feel it in my heart. “This too shall pass…So live!”, Is what I told myself and it did.

Now when I think of that broken relationship that tested my will, several years ago, I’m actually grateful for it. It’s not so much that I miss him. It is the institution of being a couple. I’m thankful that my God is a God who held my hand and guided me though that hurricane without permanent damage, only a remembrance of His love. And because of the experience, it empowered me to never give up on myself. I also realized that I am still a whole person, because I am wanting and desiring to love willingly. That’s why, from time to time after a date, when something doesn’t feel right in my gut, or before I draw a conclusion I ask myself… Is it me? Or is this how they date now?…Next!